lost

camp was really fun. i was with huong and david vu. :) teammm domination! sorta. hahaha it was better than i thought it was going to be, considering how i didn'tlook foward to it. camp was actually good for me, helped me get away from reality a little bit. it went by rather quickly, and i'm glad to be back.

i did lose my voice, and i talk like a man. its really disgusting. i'm dying of a cough right now and hopefully i can sing tomorrow for golden state. i'm not going to be conceited and be like oh they need me to sing, but i am a part of the choir so i'm hoping it'll be better with me singing? i haven't sung for the past two days in choir, and my ears have listened a lot more.
my packing still has not begun for louisiana/texas tour, and i really need to get on it. we got our itineraries today, and there's so many things on the list that i'm excited for! :) tell me if you want a souvenir and i'll try to get you something special. teheeee.

i haven't approached this subject for a while. maybe its because i'm done with it? honestly, i don't think i am, but at the same time, things feel different. there is still a part of me that hopes for a little something, but i know in the back of my heart there's nothing there and probably wont ever be. i take each day as it comes, every little thing you do, and every feeling you give me. i've gotten used to you. i need to ignore whatever my heart says. i'm supposed to be over this and have moved on. i think i have.
but you don't make me bitter. in fact, its the exact opposite. you make me smile. its rather ridiculous of me to feel this way. i'm too nice, i guess, and i'm a sucker for those who are sweet. but this time i really am a sucker. becuase i fell for everything. everything you did or said. now that i think about it, at the time, it felt warm, but now its like all those things were just empty. i've never met a person quite like you, and i'm pretty sure i'll meet plenty more. the ones that just do things for the fun of it, and don't really care. the ones that bait and release. i honestly do not want to believe that thats the kind of person you are. i'm waiting for you to prove it to me. but for now, i choose to not dump my onesided "feelings" onto you.


i can't wait to be gone.

camping trip.

i'm at camp this weekend which i'm not too excited for.
hopefully it will turn out fun.
i have to do all my homework on Sunday, which I know I'll be too tired for.
two days of school next week.
and then louisiana.
joyjoyjoy.
too busy.




text me at camp okay? :)
byeee! <3

brace yourself.

right now, i feel like i need to get away from everyone, everything. i don't know why things are this hard. they shouldn't be. i'm sorry i don't fit into this perfect "lany" mold that you have for me. i am human. i err. i make mistakes. if you were my friend, you wouldn't yell at me for them and you wouldn't get all up on my ass about them. don't you dare go all preacher on me when you do the exact same thing in even more amounts than i do.
the thing is, i don't even feel myself anymore. i tried to do something to make myself happy, and i tried to do something to make him happy, but in the end, i always get bit in the ass about it. i'm the one that's call selfish and the one that's called a bitch. i feel so out of place right now, like so many people are upset with me because i've done one thing wrong. and its ridiculous because i thought it would be good for me. i'm supposed to be happy, and i'm supposed to feel free. instead, i feel judged and shamed like i'm some sort of felon.
what is this? what are these emotions running through me? i'm not sure of anything anymore. i need some sort of sign. i need God to guide me. i need my real friends to take care of me. but i want to be independent. i want to take care of myself. i don't want to rely so much on others. i'm trying so hard to do everything i can to be the person you want me to be, but it would be a lot easier if you would just accept me for who i am. stop passing judgement, stop acting like you do everything right in the world.
i'm sorry.
i need to pray. i need to smile. i need to feel happy. i need to get away.
BUT.
i am rather thankful for those who do understand, who don't judge me, and who do help me become a better person. <3

real.

gender wars assembly, was alright. singing was :) it's a different feeling once i'm up there in front of everyone. before it began, i was super super nervous. i'm always afraid of messing up or not sounding great. but, i'm glad everything turned out the way it was planned.

i was in such a good mood by the end of the day.
it's funny how just one person can do that to you.

i smiled a real smile yesterday. i was truly happy yesterday.

i realized that i'm scared of getting hurt, but then again, who isn't? my fear keeps me from taking risks and chances that i feel i'll regret later on. but i don't want to make any rash decisions before i really know what's going on. when things aren't right, my mind goes into overdrive. people tell me i should be careful or forget, but somehow i can't. i'm trying to be cautious and wary, but in the end, it's not like i have anything to lose anymore.

it doesn't work if you do it to every other girl,
but then again, maybe i am just another girl.

i really love to...

sing. there is probably no other pasttime in the whole world that i will come across that will make me as happy as singing does. when i know i'm making beautiful music, whether its by myself or with others, i get this sense of accomplishment and pride. singing calms me down and rids me of all my other emotions. it doesn't matter whether i'm angry or sad, my voice lets everything out. everything is always better when i express it. lately i've been relying on the piano to help me with my emotions. something about letting my fingers run across keys allows me to become serene. i wish i still took my lessons, but i'm slowly learning to play with sheet music in front of me. :) i love playing when no ones' home. i get to sing as loud as i want with as much feeling as i choose. it's different when people are home, or people are watching me because i feel very insecure about how i sound.

today was normal, i guess. it wasn't any different from the days i've been having. this morning i woke up in a good mood, but after my 0 period sectional, it kind of just went downhill. things are looking up though, i need to work harder to achieve my goals. i'm doing the best i can, but the best i can is not often what people want from me. i'm trying to be who you want me to be, but i'm trying to be myself at the same time.
ruth's house was pretty fun. i love jordan and alexxx. :) the four of us sound pretty good, so i'm a teensy weensy bit excited about gender wars assembly tomorrow. its the best we could scrounge up at last minute. pahaha!
I LOVE COLBIE! SHE IS SUCH A CUTIE<3

yes, i'm still lost. i need to find my way back and figure things out. right now i'm not entirely sure. things are weird when i'm not talking to you, and i know you miss me, but you'll get used to the lack of my presence. it's hard for me to say that i don't feel the same way you do, but its true.
there's a whole different feeling now, and i'm not entirely sure what it is. it makes me a little bit scared. i've never been on this end before, but now everything's out and i can't take anything back. do i really want to take it back though? it's how i truly feel or see things, so honesty is better than nothing. sometimes i wish i could start it all over and make better decisions, but i can't. i'll live with what i've got, with the decisions i've made.

i guess sometimes things are better left unsaid.
because right now, i can't get you out of my head.

frogs in my throat.

CAHSEE for the past two days was seriously so ridiculous easy and boring. i tried to stall for time so i wouldn't have to go to my second period class. thank goodness. i'm glad its over with. the reading portion was really easy. math was easy too but looking at all those numbers is really overwhelming and give me a headache. numbers was never my strong suit though so its understandable.

today was an improvement from most days. yeah i'm still confused, but i've decided to just let what happens happens. i don't lose anything, it'll just be your loss. i'm like stuck between two different "things" and i don't want to pick either right now. picking one will make me feel guilty, picking another will just be stupid. so i got with none. makes sense right?

for some reason the weather was hot. today. i dont know why. yesterday was cold and i wore a sweater today becuaes i thought it was going to be cold and then BOOM its hot. -_- oh well. tehee.

choir is frustrating me. esp concert choir. i honestly feel like i'm the only one singing sometimes. or at least singing it right. i miss my buddy who i can sing in tune with and make pretty sounds together. THATS YOU RUTH! :)
golden state and tour in two weeks. i'm really really nervous but also really really excited.

augh. my voice is totally shot. there is like phlegm or whatever in it. i hate being sick. it makes me sound no good at all. :(

i smiled today.
it was becuase of you.

i am ...

angry that i believed everything you said to me. i am angry i didn't see right through your stupid little game. i'm angry that i feel used and like a replacement. i'm angry that i liked you. i'm angry that i missed you.

this will NOT make me become cynical.
it will NOT. i will NOT stand for it.





i am too nice.

now i know.

you didn't have to tell me.
doesn't matter what your signals say.
i know the answer already.


there's a first for everything.
i need a good cry.
or a hug.

you don't even know.

this morning i woke up with a smile on my face.
i ended school with a sad face.

my body is rather sore lately.
i can't focus in school these days.
there are too many unanswered questions.




but only you can give me the answers.

thankyou for...

making me smile.
making me laugh.
making me feel special.
making me feel important.
giving me strength.
supporting me.
giving me a shoulder to cry on.
worrying about me.
bringing me joy.
bringing me flowers.
bringing me food.
protecting me.
saving me.
loving me.

you...

don't even know how much i miss you right now.
don't even know how much i despise you right now.
don't even know how much i'm hurting right now.
don't even know how much i want to punch you right now.
don't even know how much i just want you to hold my hand.
don't even know how much i want you to hug me.
don't even know how scared i am.
don't even know the stress you put me through.
don't even know how many tears i've cried over you.
don't even know how angry i am at myself.
don't even know how terrible i feel.
don't even know what you're doing my heart.



P.S. i need to buy a new eraser.

heart&mind.

one gets bruised.
one gets broken.

too early.

i'm up early this morning, even though its a satuday. -_-
well, prom dress event at FIDM today!
i'm pretty excited.
last night was the FNL Talent Show!
Mitchell was tehre, and I really enjoyed seeing him :)
he made the whole thing so much more enjoyable.
kevin and jordann!<3333
they should have won, no matter what.
so much better than "real intentions."
but i have to say, that band was pretty good.
:)
fun night out with vyvian and etc.

"we would pass by each other, neither one of us willing to make the first step. our eyes locked on each other, as we danced around seeing who would give into their feelings first. maybe they were there, or maybe it was just my imagination. but for me, i felt it. i felt the feeling that wouldn't let you get out of my head, not even for a second. your smile, your presence, made every day worth it. did you feel the same way? i would never know. but all i do know is, in the end, we met each other half way."

finding my way back.

the retreat was amazing. whatever i lost of my faith, i think i regained it there. i met so many amazing new people, and its hard to believe that i was so reluctant to attend before.
team kindness.<3

my days at school are becoming better.
i have someonething to look forward to each day.
which is great. because it keeps me happy.
and motivated.
i'm getting it together.
all i needed was a push.