heavy heart.

so, guess what. troubadours didn't go to biola. even though tison was doubtful this whole week, i honestly thought that we were going to go. "troubadours will not be going to biola today." are you freaking kidding me?! i worked towards this festival, and i don't even get to perform in it. when i made concert choir last year, i worked my ass off to make it into troubs, surprised that i even made it into concert. and when i DID make it, i was so excited and proud to be one. but now, i have to say that i'm a little disappointed and didn't fell at all proud today. i was completely and utterly embarassed. the experience of going to all my classes today, and not having any of my homework done because i thought we were going was excruciating. "we didn't go today because mr. tison felt we weren't ready." GAH. it was just like lakjdf;alksj to say that to my teachers. i freaking work so damn hard for troubadours and it pisses the crap out of me to see others just relaxing in class. THATS NOT WHAT IT IS. It'S WORK. WORK WORK WORK. and if you can't handle it, don't be IN it. its so ridiculous how some people dont even know their music when we've been practicing the songs for like two weeks. i want to shake some people and be like GET IT TOGETHER! please? if not for yourself, for the rest of the group? my FIRST festival as a troubadour and i don't even get to go to it. and the seniors! it's their year! come ON. gah, i think tison weeding out the people second semester is a good idea, but i hope it isn't me. whenever he lectures us, i always wonder if its me that's doing something wrong! and i honestly hope it isn't, because i actually look at my music, and when he refers to the altos and says that NONE of us did, its just like HELLOOOO. AUGH. idk.

on top of that, apparently i'm this materialistic freak who expects people to buy her gifts just because she got them one. NO. that's now how i work, and i am disgusted by the fact that people would make such judgement because of one day. don't talk about me as if you know me, and don't say ooh you know its lany she'll want something. becuase i dont expect anything from anyone. i give gifts because i like the feeling it gives me. gah. just DONT.

another day, another quarrel.
we lost to edison.
gah.

i hate going to sleep with a heavy heart.