i really love to...

sing. there is probably no other pasttime in the whole world that i will come across that will make me as happy as singing does. when i know i'm making beautiful music, whether its by myself or with others, i get this sense of accomplishment and pride. singing calms me down and rids me of all my other emotions. it doesn't matter whether i'm angry or sad, my voice lets everything out. everything is always better when i express it. lately i've been relying on the piano to help me with my emotions. something about letting my fingers run across keys allows me to become serene. i wish i still took my lessons, but i'm slowly learning to play with sheet music in front of me. :) i love playing when no ones' home. i get to sing as loud as i want with as much feeling as i choose. it's different when people are home, or people are watching me because i feel very insecure about how i sound.

today was normal, i guess. it wasn't any different from the days i've been having. this morning i woke up in a good mood, but after my 0 period sectional, it kind of just went downhill. things are looking up though, i need to work harder to achieve my goals. i'm doing the best i can, but the best i can is not often what people want from me. i'm trying to be who you want me to be, but i'm trying to be myself at the same time.
ruth's house was pretty fun. i love jordan and alexxx. :) the four of us sound pretty good, so i'm a teensy weensy bit excited about gender wars assembly tomorrow. its the best we could scrounge up at last minute. pahaha!
I LOVE COLBIE! SHE IS SUCH A CUTIE<3

yes, i'm still lost. i need to find my way back and figure things out. right now i'm not entirely sure. things are weird when i'm not talking to you, and i know you miss me, but you'll get used to the lack of my presence. it's hard for me to say that i don't feel the same way you do, but its true.
there's a whole different feeling now, and i'm not entirely sure what it is. it makes me a little bit scared. i've never been on this end before, but now everything's out and i can't take anything back. do i really want to take it back though? it's how i truly feel or see things, so honesty is better than nothing. sometimes i wish i could start it all over and make better decisions, but i can't. i'll live with what i've got, with the decisions i've made.

i guess sometimes things are better left unsaid.
because right now, i can't get you out of my head.

frogs in my throat.

CAHSEE for the past two days was seriously so ridiculous easy and boring. i tried to stall for time so i wouldn't have to go to my second period class. thank goodness. i'm glad its over with. the reading portion was really easy. math was easy too but looking at all those numbers is really overwhelming and give me a headache. numbers was never my strong suit though so its understandable.

today was an improvement from most days. yeah i'm still confused, but i've decided to just let what happens happens. i don't lose anything, it'll just be your loss. i'm like stuck between two different "things" and i don't want to pick either right now. picking one will make me feel guilty, picking another will just be stupid. so i got with none. makes sense right?

for some reason the weather was hot. today. i dont know why. yesterday was cold and i wore a sweater today becuaes i thought it was going to be cold and then BOOM its hot. -_- oh well. tehee.

choir is frustrating me. esp concert choir. i honestly feel like i'm the only one singing sometimes. or at least singing it right. i miss my buddy who i can sing in tune with and make pretty sounds together. THATS YOU RUTH! :)
golden state and tour in two weeks. i'm really really nervous but also really really excited.

augh. my voice is totally shot. there is like phlegm or whatever in it. i hate being sick. it makes me sound no good at all. :(

i smiled today.
it was becuase of you.

i am ...

angry that i believed everything you said to me. i am angry i didn't see right through your stupid little game. i'm angry that i feel used and like a replacement. i'm angry that i liked you. i'm angry that i missed you.

this will NOT make me become cynical.
it will NOT. i will NOT stand for it.





i am too nice.

now i know.

you didn't have to tell me.
doesn't matter what your signals say.
i know the answer already.


there's a first for everything.
i need a good cry.
or a hug.

you don't even know.

this morning i woke up with a smile on my face.
i ended school with a sad face.

my body is rather sore lately.
i can't focus in school these days.
there are too many unanswered questions.




but only you can give me the answers.