i don't like you anymore.

i am not sure anymore.
i wish i could be sure.
but i don't know anything.
this feeling is scary.

i need a hug.

i've lost all my words.

i tried to be chill but you're so hot that i melted.

this weather.
is hot.
i'm not sure if i like it.


lalala. i am scared. to do things.
cos i'm afraid of the outcome.
but i might regret it if i dont.


its weird how things feel so natural.
like i just fit into your arms.
its easy. it makes sense.
but i don't want it.




hmm, i'm thinking about ASB next year....
we'll see.

i neeed

to calm down.
to get it together.
to chill.



busy busy busy.

the heart.

is where my home is. it feels fabulous to be back in sunny california, where the majority of my friends and family are. texas and louisiana was pretty bomb though, i must say. winning all those trophies were so worth it, and bonding with so many people made it much more enjoyable. i think i needed that week away from the world. it gave me a better outlook on life, seeing all the nature that surrounds the city of natcitoches. We don't really get that kind of scenery around here in the OC, and it brought some serenity into my mind.
i love choir kids though.
love love love.

i find myself feeling overshadowed, like i'm not really good enough. i know there's always going to be someone better, but i really wish i could be the best. or at least be loved at what is my best. as much as i think about quitting troubadours next year, i honestly don't think i ever could. i love singing too much, its my passion and drive. despite the bursts of anger i get from zero and third everyday, it's what makes me happy. i may never be the best in the choir, or even close to the top, but it would be nice to be recognized once in a while. maybe its ridiculous of me to think this way, but i think thats how most people feel. its as if i don't really have a place there, and my absence wouldn't make much of a difference. my voice might not be of an angel or some nightingale, but its mine.

these mixed signals are rather odd, but i'm glad i have friends to work me through them. they say you're afraid, but i am too.

i find myself straying away from God. i need to somehow find my way back. i hope that getting confirmed next saturday will help me.


why do i find myself missing you, of all people?